Saturday, June 13, 2009

Confession of A Lost Soul

It is getting harder and harder trying to mix with people you cannot get along with.
I probably should not be here at the first place.

This days, I have problem communicating with people around me. It is hard for me to comprehend what they are saying and I have hard time speaking my mind out. We just do not speak the common language or maybe I should put it this way, I suck at Mandarin. As time passes by, I found that my low-level of Mandarin cost me a lot.

At times, when I am in a crowd that speaks mandarin, they will be talking and laughing while I try my best guessing what the heck were they talking about. I would have to pretend that I understand while I laugh along with them. I feel like an idiot laughing along when I do not understand and I feel like an idiot if I did not laugh while they joked.

Meeting and serious conversation was worst. All I know was just simple Mandarin!
Of course, I have improved a lot since I first enter UPM. In my first year, I was not able to speak or understand Mandarin at all. After one semester, I can understand and speak with my coursemate. They were really suporttive.

Anyway, as I was saying, I had hard time understanding the agendas and also what were being discussed during meetings. It would be very troublesome to have any one of them to translate specially for me. Most of the time, I will just sit down and listen, trying my best to understand and give a bit of feedback in my broken Mandarin plus English or Malay. At certain point, I would be disheartened to continue and won't be bothered at all. It is not like I do not want to be a part of it, I just don't fit in the puzzle!

I am just not part of this world. I belong elsewhere. Probably a place where I can speak my mind out, in a language I am more proficient with, Cantonese and English or maybe Malay. Of course, it would have to be someone who I can speak comfortably with and think alike.

Human are social creature, they need to communicate in order to live.
I am one lost soul hanging there in a world I cannot get along with. There are parts of this world that I think I can get along but I guess it is too late for me to join them. I'm stuck here and I won't be getting out anytime soon.

As I was telling my other friend about this, she said that I was too picky.
She was probably right.
Another firend of mine, a guy said that I was too self-centered.
He was probably right too.

I am sick of fitting myself to others.

I think I will stop being picky by not picking at all and stop being self-centered by not relating myself to anyone. Imma be a lone wolf, things are so much easier to handle by doing it alone.
Ironically, wolves often hunt in a crowd. I am probably the odd one that strays from the pack.

I know, complaining would not do any good but sometimes you just can't help but to do so.
Being a guy, we often only look for solutions when problems arise.
Since I am stuck with this world and I can't help with it, I will just continue tagging along and at the same time trying to look for a world that suits me here in UPM.
Worse come to worse, I still have my buddies outside of UPM. I could probably meet them once a month or two but at least that helps.

I still love my buddies in UPM, it is just that I am the odd one out of them. They are nice people. They try their best accommodating me with them. I am really grateful of them for being patient and helpful teaching me Mandarin from scratch. They have helped me a lot in UPM.

The truth remains that I am in my own little world. Very different from what they think and a bit hard to comprehend even to myself.

There is a saying that goes "when in doubt, ask".
I am having doubts here and I asked, the problem is we just don't speak in the same language and they was no answers to it. I am still lost.


Listening to
이토록 아름다운

My Friend


Eki said...

jia you jia you~!!

KyLe said...

hey, calm down, u wil not be abandonned by frens and collegues.

Just dun think too much, and gambateh..

haha... dun laugh on my poor english...

Wendy said...

You don't have to listen to your frens who made comment like "You are too picky" or "You are too self centered". I suspect they do not know how to use both terms properly.

You are already working hard on a language that you have no foundation in and you need to use it not only for daily conversation but also serious school stuff... seriously I will think that they are the one who should be practicing their English and Bahasa in Uni so that the Malaysian economy will have better quality of graduate to employ. You wont be speaking in Mandarin during meetings unless you joined some companies that are based in China/HK/Taiwan.

As for the jerk who said you are self centered - you can tell him to buzz of. Ask him whether he has experienced the same thing? Has he tried to master a language jus to accommodate the chinese speakers in Uni? Has he tried remembering foreign words and get laugh at at times? Its easy for him to made such comments but I presumed he has no idea at all how hard it is.

I was always with the Indon gang in Uni and its hard to comprehend what they are saying too most of the time but I guess I am luckier since we'll all stick back to English when it comes to serious discussion. Although some local also express themselves in Mandarin at times but they are almost always accommodating.

But then again, practicing the language now will be good for you in the future. You will get the hang of it sooner or later. At the rate that you are going, you'll master it faster than most people. Its better then realizing you need to learn it only when you are at work. Most of my frens who went to UPM also learned mandarin. Guess learning is always painful. Jus don give yourself too much pressure coz you have to remember that they are all native speakers and they spent 20 years learning Mandarin.

sara said...

You're not the only one.

It's generally hard to find someone you like to talk to when you don't have a simple mind--even when there is no language barrier. Simple minds talk about people, mediocre minds talk about events, great minds talk about ideas. Unfortunately, most people fall in the first category.

Now that you're surrounded by people who speak a language you're alien to until 2 years ago, it's even harder to find someone to talk to.

Don't be too hard on yourself. This problem is widespread. I have a lot of friends too but only a few I can really talk to.

At the rate you're going (being curious to everything and a big appetite to learn), you will feel that there are less and less people you can talk to.

But I believe at the right place, at a right event, you will find like-minded people.

Oh, and you're not the only one having communication problem in uni mainly cuz of language. Most of my friends in uni face the same problem. Even those who had chinese education in primary school.

Keep searching and keep learning. You'll do well


ツ A-淼 ツ said...

i love this post..hiak hiak..

lengsan 珑汕 said...

Take it easy man

lengsan 珑汕 said...

Take it easy man

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